It has become very clear to me over the past few weeks that God has placed a barricade in front of the door to my blessings. This thought arrived in my mind, via my spirit after realizing that I had literally sent out over one-hundred resumes for jobs and only gotten one potentially viable response. You see, I've not been gainfully employed for over seven months now. Last summer I left my job at a fortune 500 company because of the onset of physical ailments brought on by the pressure, stress and hostility of my work environment there. I left with a plan, a plan to pursue a career in the real estate industry. I did this even though I knew that the market was suffering and that it was on a definite downswing. I did not do this lightly, but very pray fully, and I felt, I had done this with God's approval. Knowing that even in times of famine God could bless me with abundance. Well there's a saying that goes, "Men plan...God laughs." Ironically, that has always been one of my favorite quotes. And boy is it ever true. Because three months after leaving my job I had an awful accident. I suffered a ten foot drop from a deck and shattered the heel in my foot. It may not sound all that serious or life threatening, but it sure did throw a monkey wrench into my plans. I had to have reconstructive surgery to correct the break in my foot and I would be totally confided to bed rest for what would turn out to be about four months. I was unable to leave my bedroom, except to use the restroom of course, and even that proved to be a challenge. It's funny how you don't realize how important one little part of your body is until you completely loose the ability to use it. Anyway, the combination of my accident and the crash of the mortgage industry pretty much put my real estate career to bed, (no pun intended :)... for a while anyway.
But according to the carefully orchestrated plan I devised while lying in bed for all those months, a few weeks before the doctor said it would be okay for me to walk without my crutches, I would start sending out resumes and lickedie split, I would have a job all ready and waiting for me by the time I was healthy enough to actually do it. I was always very blessed in the area of finding and acquiring great, well paid jobs. Believe me, I know that I was definitely blessed and not skilled in this area. The fact of the matter is that most of the jobs that I got, I didn't have the skills or education for. I've known many people in my life that were far more intelligent, articulate and that have had degrees of an advance nature, that have not made the type of money that I have been blessed to make. And like I've said before, I'm not saying this to boast or brag on myself but to give all the praise to God for anointing me and blessing me in this area. That is until now.
All of a sudden the tables had turned. It seemed as though God had placed a barricade in front of the door to my blessings. My financial resources had all but run out and things were starting to get extremely tight. It's not as though I had not experienced my share of hard times before, because Lord knows I have. But God has always shown up in the nick of time and carried me through them. But somehow I sensed in my spirit that this time was different. I knew that God had deliberately blocked my blessings for some reason. I knew that He knew, in His infinite wisdom, because He knows me better than I know myself, that this was going to be the best way to get my complete and undivided attention. So today I fell to my knees in frustration and said to God, "Lord, you have my attention, what is it you are trying to tell me?" It just so happened that a matter of minutes before falling to my knees and asking God this question, I had just heard T.D Jakes ask a question. The question was one that he suggested that King Hezikiah may have proposed to himself, right after Isaiah told him that his time on earth was about to end and that his life was now required of him. The question was, "Have I started to thirst for things or stuff, more than I used to thirst for God?" And while I was down there on my knees, face buried in the carpet, the answer hit me. Yes, I had! It felt as though someone had just jumped in my stomach, with all of their weight. Immediately I felt sick to my stomach, and literally ran to the bathroom to throw up.
All at once, I knew, I realized that for months, maybe even for the last couple of years, my heart, my prayers and my motives had not been born out of genuine love, dedication and reverence for God, but were acts of pure selfishness. I was suffering from what I like to call the "SANTAGOD" Syndrome. This is the syndrome where we make this list of requests for the things that we feel we may want, or even need in our lives and give them to God in prayer. And because we are good Christians that live our lives for God, in the morning when we wake up, just like Santa Clause, He will have provided us with all of the items on our list. I realized that my supposed acts of worship, my tithes and offerings, deeds and sacrifices were nothing but mere attempted trades of service to manipulate God into doing my bidding. I couldn't believe that I had allowed myself to go on for so long, without doing a self examination of my heart and my motives for doing all the things that I said I was doing for God all these months. I was totally disgusted with myself.
But then I realized that because of Jesus and His sacrifice for us, all I had to do was repent, and ask our loving Father for forgiveness. And then I did. I also praised Him and genuinely worshipped Him for placing me in this place. This place that I started to feel was made of four walls with no doors. This place where I felt trapped like an animal in a cage with no way out. Because it was only here, in this place of isolation and despair, where I would come to ask Him what was He trying to tell me. And it was only here in this place where I would ask myself this difficult question, that made me hold a mirror up to my face and to see the ugly truth about myself. Almost immediately, I knew that God had forgiven me and that He had removed the barricades that were blocking my blessings. I felt that I had purged myself of a truckload of filth and burdens. So if you also are in that place where no matter how hard you try or fight to move ahead, and it seems that you just can't break through the apparent barricades that are holding you back. You may find yourself wondering if you are being cursed or is God simply trying to communicate with you and to get your attention. Stop wondering, shut your life down and ask God, "God, what is it you are trying to tell me?" Just as it says in James 1:5, "But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all men generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him."
