It's been a little over three year since I've Blogged and there have been many, many changes that have taken place in my life. At the time of my last blog, anyone that read it could clearly see that I was miserable. I was recovering from a major accident, where I had shattered most of the bone in my foot. After undergoing, a couple of reconstructive surgeries I thought I would be fine. But the doctors thought otherwise. Basically they had little confidence that I would ever regain the full function of my right foot. I was told by my surgeons and specialists, that I would not ever be able to do the things that I loved to do again, such as run, rollerblade or wear high heel shoes. Now I could live without the first two, but trying to make the whole diva thing work without a pair of sharp shoes was not gonna happen, and that was totally unacceptable to me. So I literally rebuked all of that foolishness in the name of the Lord, and with some rehab and lots of hard work, I went on to regain, pretty much all the function in my foot. Besides walking normally, the first thing I wanted to do was to buy a cute pair of stilettos. That didn't work out so well for me, so I learned that I would have to compromise a little. I've had to adjust my fashion style to accomodate the limited mobility in my foot, no more pumps or Stilettos, for now anyway. But that's fine, as long as I can still wear a cute pair of heels, I'm happy. After all, I can't really rock a hot little black dress in a pair of flip flops now can I? Anyway, with lots of hard work and little bit of time in physical therapy, my foot has even grown strong enough to run again. I'm actually up to about 3 miles a day now. That is a blessing that I literally thank God for everyday. In fact, getting my mobility and Independence back is something I thank God for everyday. Until you've spent months on your back in bed, or in a wheel chair, depending on people to do everything for you, including feeding, driving you around or helping you to bath, you don't realize how precious your life and health are. Now rollerblading, that's a whole other thing. I have not gotten up the nerve to try that yet, that will be next on my list of adventures.
But let's get to the good stuff. Like what happened with my divorce and why the heck haven't I posted anything for the past 3 1/2 years. Let's start with the divorce, that's the other thing I thank God for on a daily basis. The traditional Christian view is that God does not really approve of divorce. But I feel in my heart, that in this case, He might have made an exception. I would be lying if I said that it was not one of the most painful experiences of my life, because it definetly was. But it was also to date, the single best most loving, freeing thing that I ever did for myself. The only way to describe it, is to say, when I finally freed myself from my ex-husband, not just legally, but spiritually, emotionally, physically and mentally, I felt as though someone had cut me loose from a two ton tracker trailer, that I had been pulling up a steep hill, for a very, very long time. When I cut him lose, I lost 260lbs. He weighed about 200lbs, and the rest came from me. I literally think I lost 60lbs in two or three months tops. I had been trying to loose that weight and keep it off, for most of my life. Mostly by torturing myself with unrealistic diets, boot-camp workouts, secretly calling myself degrading fat names and posting pictures of pigs and women in bikinis on my refrigerator. But who ever would have guessed that all I had to do is love myself and treat myself well, and the weight just fell off and I've managed to keep it off. My ex-husband was poison for me in so many ways, being overweight was just one of the manifestations of that fact. I believe that he was sent to me by the enemy, purely as a form of distraction, to pull me off course from my purpose and destiny. I was so wrapped up in his drama and junk that most of the time that I couldn't focus on much else. But as Forest Gump would say, "That's all I have to say about that." We will revisit that whole story in a little more depth later.
The quick fast and dirty version is that over the past few years, I've made many changes in my family, friendships platonic and otherwise, addresses, jobs, hair color, clothes sizes, and even shoe sizes. But the two constants in my life have been, my God and my writing. Two relationships that I know I can always count on to be there with me no matter what. They just have been everyday since I can remember. They've both been comfort for me through my pain, my joy when I was happy and my peace when I was anxious. Through all that's happened to me in the last three years, the good times and the bad, He, God that is, has never left me. Just as He promises in His word. So I figured that the least I could do is return the favor. I figured since God is the one who placed this burning desire to write inside of me, I decided to honor Him with it.
I've known for many years now that my purpose was tied to writing in some way, shape or form. I just never in my wildest dreams, would've ever thought that I would be writing anything spiritual. When God revealed this to me all I could say was, "Ugh God, you sure you've got the right girl?" I don't think so, not me," I said. Don't get me wrong, I think it's an extraordinary calling for anyone to have on their life. But me? " I don't exactly see myself as anyone's model of morality. Most times I feel like I'm struggling daily just to maintain my standards and values. But anyway it seems as though this is the path that He has chosen for me. And also, for some strange reason, He has been relentlessly leading me to blog. And I have tried it in the past...well..kinda, sorta...but let's face it, not really. I've posted a few times, but if I'm honest with myself I will admit, that I've probably given it as much dedication as I have all of my other creative projects and endeavors. Which is usually about 1-3 months or until it starts being work and not as much fun or as easy as I thought it would be, whichever came first. But one of those reasons for that is I'm still not yet so comfortable writing and posting all of my most intimate life experiences, lessons and hard knocks, out there where virtually anyone or in the case of blogging, maybe no one at all can read and scrutinize them. This blogging thing is just so random, to me it's entirely too abstract. And all of my life I've always had a problem with following through with things that don't make sense to me. But I feel a strong sense, for some reason, that God wants me to do this...no I mean really do this. Like give it my best effort and stick to it. So I'm committed to posting at least one blog a week, for the next six months. I was semi inspired by that whole Julie/Julia movie. But lets not get crazy here, I need to start small. There's no way I'm gonna write and publish a blog everyday for a year. I would just be setting myself up to fail on that one. But I believe that I've given myself a short term goal that I can live with.
And as far as writing about my life and blogging it out into oblivion goes, I've decided to look at it, like I look at faith. It's kind of like skydiving. It can be scary or exhilarating, and why in the world would anyone want to jump out of a plane for fun, it doesn't make sense. Sometimes you feel stupid, and everyone around you, thinks that you've lost your mind. Because most of the times, the things we do when we are walking by faith, just don't make sense. You can't always see what direction it will take you in, or where your going to land. But if you allow yourself to just trust, rely and depend on the source of your faith; the God of your understanding, whomever that might be for you. You know that in the long run, you will wind up better off than you were before. So I've decided to just go with it, to see where it takes me. And now that I'm open to embarking on this journey again, I'm hoping that I'll have a few passengers join me along for the ride.
