Time; Our Most Precious Gift

I woke up this morning in such a negative place.   My alarm went off, and as soon as I opened my eyes, I felt this feeling of dread wash over me.  This was the week of Thanksgiving and my daughter was on vacation from school for the entire week.  I didn’t have to drive her to school, so why should I have to get up out of bed, when all I wanted to do is just lie there for a couple more hours.  But I knew that I still had to get up at the same time as usual because I had so many items to scratch off of my list before leaving town for the holiday weekend.  Immediately, I felt my attitude start to plummet as I got out of bed, mentally itemizing the list of to do’s for the day.   I had to get to the gym,  call someone to repair my washing machine, (I paused there to complain about how much that was gonna cost and what a rotten time for this to occur, just as I was leaving town for a holiday vacation).  I also had to wrap up the loose ends of pending business deals, pick up ingredients from the grocery for my part of the Thanksgiving meal and somewhere in the next three days, I would have to find some time to clean the house.  I was exhausted just thinking about it.  It’s no wonder I wanted to stay in the bed.

 To add to my list, as a part of my morning ritual, one of the things I do to start my day is to attend a meeting of an organization that I belong to, via conference call.   Reluctantly, and with the sourest attitude possible, I logged onto the call.  The voices I heard were familiar, but somehow they sounded a bit different today.  They were muffled and somber, as if everyone speaking had a really bad head cold.  And then I heard someone express their regret that they didn’t know her better before she passed away.  Finally I got it.  Someone in the organization had died over the weekend.  Then I learned who it was and instantly I felt a sense of guilt and shame.  You see, I’ve never actually met the people involved in this particular segment of this organization.  I only know them by their voices, their names and the portions of their personal experiences that they have chosen to share with those of us on the daily calls.  This woman, the one whom had died this weekend, had a very distinct voice.  Her voice was very raspy, it sounded like she had gravel of some sort stuck in her throat.  She also spoke extremely slowly, and all I could recall about her, is that every time she volunteered to read or speak, I sighed, sucked my teeth and rolled my eyes, and thought, “oh no, not her, her voice is so hard to listen to and she is going to take forever to get her point across. “  And that was the only point of reference I had to identify this woman.  All I could think was “shame on you Cherie.  Here you are complaining about minuet chores that happen to interrupt your beauty sleep and leisure time, when this poor woman was not given the opportunity to wake up or complain about not getting enough sleep, having too many chores or anything else. “And that wasn’t the worst of it.  The worst part of all was that, I had no other way to identify this lady in my mind, other than the fact that I was inconvenienced by her unpleasant voice and lengthiness of speech.  God sure knows just how to put us in our place, because I felt like the biggest jerk alive.

Despite my new found conviction and shame, I continued to listen to the call.   And to my surprise, the woman that they spoke of was more than just the slow speaking lady with the raspy voice.  Almost every person that spoke about her seemed to share some personal story of how she had touched their life.  Many of the callers shared how to their disbelief, and even in her dire circumstances, she was still able to give so much of herself.  Over and over again, I heard the stories of what a wonderful, joy filled person she was.  How she was continually grateful for every moment of her life, both the good and the bad.   And how candidly she shared her experiences, and how she used the lessons that she had learned to help others.  They also spoke of her patience, kindness and good natured disposition.   It seemed as though she had provided a warm, safe space, filled with comfort and refuge, to many people in need.   And apparently, to my surprise, she was able to do all this while she was confined to a wheelchair, and living in a nursing home.  I also learned that she woke up at 4:00 am every morning to join these conference calls because she lived in another time zone.  These were of course same calls that I complained of joining at 7:00am. 

Why is it that I had to wait until she had died to learn all of these things about her?  Why didn’t I take the time to listen past the sound of her voice to really hear her story?  Why didn’t I take the time to pick up the phone to call her and talk to her, if I thought she sounded so miserable?  For that matter, why had I not picked up the phone to call and get to know any of the people that I had been sharing this call with every day for months now?  At that point, I had to stop and ask myself, Cherie, is your life really that busy?  Are you really too important to spare five minutes out of your day to connect with another human being, doesn’t happen to be a close friend or family member?

Well, it didn’t really matter now did it, the joke was on me.  Clearly, this was my loss.  I had missed the opportunity to know and to be a part of the life of an extraordinary person.  I had created a life for myself where miniscule details dominated my daily existence.  And then I had the audacity to resent and complain about a life that I myself had created.  How silly is that? If I am feeling overwhelmed, stressed out and exhausted, I had no one to blame except myself.   Its so funny how a little bit of someone else’s reality can change the perspective we have on your own lives.  In the flash of a minute, your life can suddenly look so different, when our vision has been corrected through the glasses of a fresh, new perspective. 

So today I woke up thinking how lucky I am to still have the opportunity to take my daughter to school.  I still have a couple more years left to bond with her and time to spend with her before she goes off to college and starts to lead her own life.  Soon she will be following in the footsteps of her brother; he’s already gone off to start his life and figure out his place in the world.  I think about how  when they were babies, I couldn’t wait until they would sleep through the night and to be able to pour their own cereal in the morning, and how sometimes I wished that they didn’t always need me quite as much for every little thing.  And now that they are both grown, and the time has all gone by so quickly, I wished that I had savored those moments just a little bit more. 

I also think about how often I tend to complain about working out, when just four short years ago, a freak accident took away my ability to even walk at all.  I used lie there helpless in my bed and tell God how sorry I was for taking my independence and mobility for granted, and that if I was ever able to walk again, I promised not to take my health or my life for granted in any way.   God is so good that not only did He bless me with the ability to walk, but to the doctor’s surprise and dismay, He gave me the ability to run again.  Wow, how quickly I’ve forgotten where I came from.   And I had the nerve to complain about having to get up out of bed to work out and having to take care of my own body.  I should be ecstatic that I can actually get up out of bed on my own, never mind the fact that I can actually go running or work out at all.

And as far as complaining about having to pay to repair my washing machine goes, at least I have the money to repair it.  I can remember a time not so long ago when I could not have said as much.  And to top it all off, I also was fortunate enough to still have the means to go on my holiday vacation,  and  to buy food to share with all of my friends and family, which I am also extremely fortunate enough to have in my life. I’m sure we all know people who can not boast of such things.

But I’m sure by now you get my point.  We all can come to a place where we so easily take the gifts in our lives for granted.   Without the benefit of the right prospective, we can mistake the gifts that we have been given as burdens.  We can rush through our most precious moments and wish away seasons that were given to us in order to make memories that will comfort us in older, possibly lonelier years to come.

It’s easy to see how we can miss out on real opportunities to impact others, in ways that will count long after our time here on earth has run out.  Lately, these days, my clock seems to be ticking faster and louder all the time.   And as I sit still and listen and let the stillness of life surround me,  what I am finding out for me is this; the most precious gift of all,  the most valuable commodity  that I possess, the gift that no money can buy, the gift that can be wasted, but never acquired again,  the gift that I am most grateful for is TIME…memories of TIMES past, opportunities to grasp fleeting moments of the TIME in the present and if we are blessed and lucky enough, TIME to come in the future. 

Hug, Kisses and Mini Miracles  

There was a period in my life when I was pretty down on my luck financially.  It seemed that no matter what I did or how hard I tried, I couldn’t make a dime.  All of my best efforts seem to be futile. If I had to put a label on this period, I would definitely have to say that I had hit “Rock Bottom”.  It was strictly by God’s grace, and through the help of my family and friends that we managed to keep food on our table, gas in the car and all of the utilities on.  For me, it was extremely painful and stressful to have to ask for help.  It was a huge blow to my pride and to my ego.  Everyday I would ride this roller coaster of emotions.  I was constantly worrying about how I was going to pay the next bill. During this time, I found myself constantly asking God where He was in all of this and why He was not providing for me.

But it was at this time that a friend of mine offered to take me out to dinner.  During the course of feeding me dinner, she also fed me some words of wisdom.  I was blabbering on and on complaining about how God wasn’t there for me.  But I also knew deep down that I was exactly in the place in my life that I was supposed to be.  Exactly in the place God wanted me to be in my life at that moment.  And I knew this because it was God Himself whom had placed me there.  “So then, if that was true, why was He not providing for me” I asked her?  I will never forget what she said to me. She said, “Cherie what is it exactly that God is not providing for you?  You’ve got a roof over your head, clothes on your back and food on your table.  All of your utilities have been paid.  He is providing for you”, maybe not in the way that you are accustomed to, but make no mistake about it, He is providing for you.”  And it was at that very moment, that I first felt God blowing me a kiss.

It was then that I realized that she was right. God was providing for me, it just wasn’t in the way that I expected that He would.  I had just accepted a new job, a job that I thought God had led me to.  This was a job that entailed many risks, especially financial risks.  But I thought that since God had placed me here in this job and in this position that surely He would provide for me.  I had all of these visions of how God was just going to cover me with His supernatural favor and blessings.  I think that I thought that God was just going to magically feed me these miraculous deals.  All I would have to do is breathe on them and they would close. For a minute there, I think that I mistook God for the Great Houdini or maybe even my own personal Santa Clause.  But thanks to my friend,  armed with her wise insight and  her bold words, she was able to slap me and wake me up,  out of my dream state in  La La land.  I started to really pay attention to all of the ways that God was providing for me, and showing me His love and favor.  It was also at this time that I saw how each and everyday God shows us how much He loves each of us on a very personal and individually level.  He shows His love for us each very differently, and intimately. Just like an attentive lover, He woos us.  He knows our likes and dislikes.  He knows the events which will effect us and touch us deep down inside, like no one else will ever know.  He knows what will move and stir us on the inside.  He knows exactly what our specific triggers are and what circumstances will propel us to change and to stimulate growth within us.

Sometimes He shows His love for us in an obvious way, like when you receive that promotion or raise that you’ve been praying for.  I call those types of gestures, ”Hugs from God”.   These are the moments that make me feel as though God is putting His big, strong arms around me, squeezing me tight and making me feel all warm inside, with a feeling of security like a grandparent gives you.  This is God’s way of telling me how proud He is of me and giving me a little gift to express His pride in me.

 Sometimes God will do things for us that are small and sweet, like a tiny piece of candy that someone might leave on your pillow in morning. If you are rushing about too quickly getting ready for your day, and not paying attention to your surroundings, you might just miss it. This type of gesture from God may also be as little as going to a crowed mall and getting there just in time to snag a prime parking spot, just as someone is pulling out of it.  These are not exactly huge gestures,   but they are God’s way of showing you that someone out there in the universe loves you and is thinking about you today.  I call those events kisses from God, because I can just see Him, ever so gently, blowing soft, sweet little kisses from heaven.  And that makes me think of chocolate, candy kisses. 

And thirdly, on occasion, God will show you some “Ole School Love”.  That’s the type of love he showed for His disciples back in biblical days.  You will easily recognize it when God releases this type of love for you in your life, because it’s unexplainable to everyone around you.   It may not even make sense to you.  These are the type of stories that you tell people, but you really don’t want to tell them, because you just know that while you’re telling them the story, they’re thinking that you are exaggerating or that you are just flat out lying.  The type of story you start off by saying, “Your not gonna believe this but…”  And you know deep down inside, immediately upon its occurrence, that this thing, this event that has just taken place, was a special gift from God to you.  Because only God could have orchestrated a coo this amazing.  Only God could have pulled this off so perfectly, with such attention to detail and synchronicity.  I call these modern day wonders “Mini Miracles”.  To the person sitting on the outside of our lives looking in, these events may seem small, trivial even.  But to us, we know that God stepped in and intervened at just the right moment to help us move through whatever we had been praying, maybe even begging and pleading for Him to help us through. This to me is nothing short of miraculous.

God has given me evidence of His love for me by performing these mini miracles on my behave more times than I can count.  Now that I am able to recognize these events, if I look back on my life there were probably hundreds of times God performed these incredible fetes in my life.  One such fete happened to me when I was going through that period of financial lack that I had spoken about previously.

It was a few weeks after I had that dinner with my friend, and I had this marvelous epiphany about how God shows His affection to us in to fit our personalities and situations.  I was no longer feeling down, depressed and consumed with self pity, because I was now able to appreciate and see how God had been paying close, personal attention to my life all along.  I was able to recognize how He was consistently blessing me everyday.  God was still blessing me, even in the midst of going through this extremely tough phase of my life.  I was indeed grateful that through God’s provision, we still had a roof over our heads, along with all the creature comforts of home.  But unfortunately, after paying all of these bills, I didn’t have enough money to pay the cable TV bill.  I know it’s not exactly a necessity, but it did make life just a little bit more pleasant for us, especially in times like these. 

The night previous to the cable disconnection date, I prayed that God would, somehow, someway keep the cable on for me and my family.  I told God, “I don’t know how you will do it, because I won’t have the money to pay this bill in the little time that I have left.  And the cable company has refused to work with me on delaying the cut off or take a smaller payment, so I don’t have a solution. But I know that all things are possible with you, and I know that you do have a solution and can make a way to keep our cable on.”  After that I let it go.  To me, this matter was far too little that God should concern Himself or be anyplace on His list of priorities.  After all we were only talking about our ability to watch television; this was by no means a matter of life or death.  So I had peace with the fact that tomorrow morning, we would not be able to watch TV.  In these modern times, remember, you can’t just watch regular TV without some sort of cable or satellite contraption. 

The next day, I went about my business as usual.  I didn’t even attempt to turn the TV on, but my daughter came home from school and without missing a beat, she threw her books down and headed straight for the television.  To my surprise, it was working, every single channel was there.  I looked online at my bill, and sure enough, it was still past due.  Darn, no secret admire had paid it for me.  So happy but bewildered, I called the cable company.  And after giving the annoying automated computer my account number, it immediately announced that it was sorry that I had no service, and in order to restore it I would need to pay the current as well as the past due amount.  After going through many prompts, I was finally able to reach a live person, whom also immediately apologized that my service had been disconnected and offered me the same deal as the computer did to have it restored.  Only I would now have to pay an additional fee because I had now incurred a disconnect fee.   I was still feeling very confused, because my daughter and I were sitting here watching her favorite after school show on our disconnected television,  only now, not only was I confused about that, I had to speak to a supervisor, in order to request that they remove the disconnect fee that had been placed on my account because no disconnection had ever taken place.

Again, I was greeted by the supervisor, who extended her apologies that my cable was disconnected, and again she gave the exact same remedy as the others before her, in order to get it restored.  Once again, I explained to her that I still had cable and that she could remove the disconnection fee and allow me to pay a lesser amount in a couple days to keep my service going.  After some time and convincing on my part, she was able to work out a way for me to pay for my service at a lesser rate with a date extension.  She even agreed to remove the disconnection fee, but only as a service to me, because she was absolutely positive that I must be mistaken, and I could not possibly have any cable service.  She went on to say that all of their computers could not possibly be wrong, and that she was more than certain that our service had absolutely been disconnected.  And unfortunately would not be restored until we were able to make our payment in a few days.  So finally I just let it go.  And it was at that moment that the light in my brain finally came on.   I hit my forehead with the palm of my hand and said “duh…don’t you get what just happened?  God just hooked you up, He answered your prayer, and He just granted you a mini miracle. It took me a minute to realize that I had gotten what I wanted all around.  I was able to make payment arrangements that I could live with, the disconnection fee had been removed, and somehow, I don’t know how, God made a way to keep my cable from ever being disconnected at all, even though I wouldn’t be able to pay the bill for a few more days.

Like I said, to someone looking at this from the outside of this situation, they may be thinking, “What was the miracle?  It’s not like God parted the Red Sea for her or anything.”  But when you’ve been struggling through a really hard time in your life, and it seems like if just one more thing happens, I think I’m going to loose it.  It’s the little things that can keep you going, a kind word of encouragement from a friend, someone picking up your check unexpectedly at dinner, or an unexplainable fluke at the cable company. 

No, until this day, I can’t explain what happened.  And apparently, neither can the cable company.  I just accept it as a token of affection, a gift from above.  I accepted it gladly because that’s what you’re supposed to do when someone gives you a gift, graciously accept it.   And that is exactly what I did. I also knew down deep in my heart that this was God’s way of reaching out to show me His love and favor, in order to help me and my family to get through this really hard time.  This was God’s way of performing a mini miracle, just for me.

That day God made me feel extremely special.  With all the pressing matters on God’s agenda, He took time to tend to my frivolous desires.  And yes, it made me feel special, that the maker of the universe would do this for me.  But as special as I felt, I know that I am not the only one that God loves in this manner.  He loves us all the same, but somehow has this unique way to show each of us how special we are to Him.  He loves each of us in a way that is tailored made to meet our specific personality traits desires.

God’s ability to do this for us is truly astonishing to me.   And I would love to hear and share your stories with others as well.  Write back and tell everyone how God has either blown you a kiss, given you a hug or granted you your own personal mini miracle.  You can give me your full name and story or remain completely anonymous if you choose.  Don’t miss your chance to give hope to others by sharing with them your stories of inspiration and joy.  This is your chance to give back some of the love that God has shown to you.

When you write back and share your story with me.   I in turn will write, publish it and share it with the world, in order to teach others to recognize God’s goodness in their lives.

Please write back to me by commenting to this blog or email me at christiancitychick@gmail.com

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Skydiving With God Again

It's been a little over three year since I've Blogged and there have been many, many changes that have taken place in my life.  At the time of my last blog, anyone that read it could clearly see that I was miserable.  I was recovering from a major accident, where I had shattered most of the bone in my foot.  After undergoing, a couple of reconstructive surgeries I thought I would be fine. But the doctors thought otherwise. Basically they had little confidence that I would ever regain the full function of my right foot.  I was told by my surgeons and specialists, that I would not ever be able to do the things that I loved to do again, such as run, rollerblade or wear high heel shoes.  Now I could live without the first two, but trying to make the whole diva thing work without a pair of sharp shoes was not gonna happen, and that was totally unacceptable to me.  So I literally rebuked all of that foolishness in the name of the Lord, and with some rehab and lots of hard work, I went on to regain, pretty much all the function in my foot.  Besides walking normally, the first thing I wanted to do was to buy a cute pair of stilettos.  That didn't work out so well for me, so I learned that I would have to compromise a little.  I've had to adjust my  fashion style to accomodate the limited mobility in my foot, no more pumps or Stilettos, for now anyway. But that's fine, as long as I can still wear a cute pair of heels, I'm happy.  After all, I can't really rock a hot little black dress in a pair of flip flops now can I?  Anyway, with lots of hard work and little bit of time in physical therapy, my foot has even grown strong enough to run again.  I'm actually up to about 3 miles a day now.  That is a blessing that I literally thank God for everyday.  In fact, getting my mobility and Independence back is something I thank God for everyday.  Until you've spent months on your back in bed, or in a wheel chair, depending on people to do everything for you, including feeding, driving you around or helping you to bath, you don't realize how precious your life and health are.  Now rollerblading, that's a whole other thing.  I have not gotten up the nerve to try that yet, that will be next on my list of adventures.

But let's get to the good stuff.  Like what happened with my divorce and why the heck haven't I posted anything for the past 3 1/2 years.  Let's start with the divorce, that's the other thing I thank God for on a daily basis. The traditional Christian view is that God does not really approve of  divorce.  But I feel in my heart, that in this case, He might have made an exception.  I would be lying if I said that it was not one of the most painful experiences of my life, because it definetly was.  But it was also to date, the single best most loving, freeing thing that I ever did for myself. The only way to describe it, is to say, when I finally freed myself from my ex-husband, not just legally, but spiritually, emotionally, physically and mentally, I felt as though someone had cut me loose from a two ton tracker trailer, that I had been pulling up a steep hill, for a very, very long time. When I cut him lose, I lost 260lbs.  He weighed about 200lbs, and the rest came from me.  I literally think I lost 60lbs in two or three months tops.  I had been trying to loose that weight and keep it off, for most of my life. Mostly by torturing myself with unrealistic diets, boot-camp workouts, secretly calling myself degrading fat names and posting pictures of  pigs and women in bikinis on my refrigerator.  But who ever would have guessed that all I had to do is love myself and treat myself well, and the weight just fell off and I've managed to keep it off.  My ex-husband was poison for me in so many ways, being overweight was just one of the manifestations of that fact.  I believe that he was sent to me by the enemy, purely as a form of distraction, to pull me off course from my purpose and destiny. I was so wrapped up in his drama and junk that most of the time that I couldn't focus on much else.  But as Forest Gump would say, "That's all I have to say about that."  We will revisit that whole story in a little more depth later.

The quick fast and dirty version is that over the past few years,  I've made many changes in  my family, friendships platonic and otherwise, addresses, jobs, hair color, clothes sizes,  and even shoe sizes.  But the two constants in my life have been, my God and my writing.  Two relationships that I know I can always count on to be there with me no matter what.  They just have been everyday since I can remember.  They've both been comfort for me through my pain,  my joy when I was happy and my peace when I was anxious. Through all that's happened to me  in the last three years, the good times and the bad, He, God that is, has never left me.  Just as He promises in His word.  So I figured that the least I could do is return the favor.   I figured since God is the one who placed this burning desire to write inside of me,  I decided to honor Him with it.

I've known for many years now that my purpose was tied to writing in some way, shape or form.  I just never in my wildest dreams, would've ever thought that I would be writing anything spiritual.  When God revealed this to me all I could say was, "Ugh God, you sure you've got the right girl?"   I don't think so, not me," I said. Don't get me wrong, I think it's an extraordinary calling for anyone to have on their life. But me? " I don't exactly see myself as anyone's model of morality.  Most times I feel like I'm struggling daily just to maintain my standards and values.   But anyway it seems as though this is the path that He has chosen for me. And also, for some strange reason, He has been  relentlessly leading me to blog.  And I have tried it in the past...well..kinda, sorta...but let's face it, not really. I've posted a few times, but if I'm honest with myself I will admit, that I've probably given it as much dedication as I have all of my other creative projects and endeavors. Which is usually about 1-3 months or until it starts being work and not as much fun or as easy as I thought it would be, whichever came first.  But one of those reasons for that is I'm still not yet so comfortable writing and posting all of my most intimate life experiences, lessons and hard knocks, out there where virtually anyone or in the case of blogging, maybe no one at all can read and scrutinize them.  This blogging thing is just so random, to me it's entirely too abstract. And all of my life I've always had a problem with following through with things that don't make sense to me. But I feel a strong sense, for some reason, that God wants me to do this...no I mean really do this. Like give it my best effort and stick to it. So I'm committed to posting at least one blog a week, for the next six months.  I was semi inspired by that whole Julie/Julia movie. But lets not get crazy here, I need to start small.  There's no way I'm gonna write and publish a blog everyday for a year.  I would just be setting myself up to fail on that one.  But I believe that I've given myself a short term goal that I can live with.

 And as far as writing about my life and blogging it out into oblivion goes, I've decided to look at it, like I look at faith.  It's kind of like skydiving. It can be scary or exhilarating, and why in the world would anyone want to jump out of a plane for fun, it doesn't make sense. Sometimes you feel stupid, and everyone around you, thinks that you've lost your mind.  Because most of the times, the things we do when we are walking by faith, just don't make sense. You can't always see what direction it will take you in, or where your going to land. But if you allow yourself to just trust, rely and depend on the source of your faith;  the God of your understanding, whomever that might be for you.  You know that in the long run, you will wind up better off than you were before. So I've decided to just go with it, to see where it takes me. And now that I'm open to embarking on this journey again,  I'm hoping that I'll have a few passengers join me along for the ride.