Lately my life has been miserable. There's no other way to put it. Not only am I jobless and flat broke, but I've been sending out resumes and interviewing like crazy, and I can't seem to get a job even if I tried to buy it. It's really weird because I've even gotten some tentative offers. Everything will be going great, and then I'll never hear from them again. Just like those guys that seem to drop off of the face of the earth, after going on a seemingly great date. And then there's all of the debt and money problems that keep piling up as a result of not having a job for the last ten months. Oh and let's not forget the fact that I'm going through a divorce, I still have not totally regained the use of my right foot because of my accident last August. Also, some of my more significant relationships seem to be disappearing before my very eyes. And did I mention that if all this weren't bad enough, I've just turned forty, as if that in itself wasn't enough of a traumatizing experience.

It's just been one catastrophe after another. My joy has all but dried up and my faith is hanging on by a thread. In fact a few days ago, my faith was severely shaken. I had a major melt down in front of my teenage daughter. I cried out asking God, "where are you?" I knew everything on my dresser to the floor, breaking all of the contents. My life did not seem to be lining up with scripture. I kept asking myself what I had done wrong. What was God trying to teach me? Why was He not answering my prayers? I was confused, hurt and angry all at one time. For the first time in my life since I've been saved, I'd felt so vulnerable to the things of the world. Like I had no shelter, no covering, totally naked. Everywhere I turned it seems as though the doors were being slammed shut and locked in my face. Emotionally, financially and spiritually, I've barely just been hanging on. I don't know how many times I thought I was going to loose it. I just haven't been able to fully see the purpose in all of this. I finally broke down last night and begged God to give me some strength and help me through this trial. It seems as though it has been forever.

Then finally this morning I woke up, it must have been about three-thirty I'd say. I was coughing uncontrollably, for no apparent reason. After it was over, I still couldn't go back to sleep, and started thinking about my situation. And suddenly it came to me, I am UNDER ATTACK. I feel like there's some enemy shooting at me with an automatic assault rifle. I've never gone to war but I would imagine that it's got to feel similar. I'm sure some might say that comparing my latest experiences with being at war was a bit mellow-dramatic, but that's exactly the case, we are at war with satan. I heard the Holy Spirit speak to me last night and say, "Remember, satan has come to steal, kill and destroy." I don't think that I ever really understood how serious he is about his job until now. he is trying to kill my spirit, steal my hopes, dreams and purpose, and ultimately kill me spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and yes, even physically, if need be. We as Christians had better get this through our heads, WE ARE AT WAR! satan is taking no prisoners, and neither should we.

I have to constantly remind myself of this. We need to put on the full armor of Jesus everyday. Another scripture that came to mind was, "The violent taketh by force." satan is definitely violent with us, so it is up to us not to be meek, mild and passive with him. We must also defend our spirit, our lives and our purpose by any means necessary. I thought about this for a minute and I became really angry and a little bit stupid for letting satan beat me down the way he has been for so long now. I've been getting seriously punked by satan. I've never been one to back down from a fight, so why was I just handing my life over to him on a silver platter? So last night I decided that I was not going to let him just take me down so easily, I was going to study to learn everything that I need to do during times of spiritual warfare to win this battle in the name of Jesus. After all, didn't Jesus already win this fight when He died, went to the gates of hell and stepped on the head of satan, returned and rose again, and ascended into heaven. I'm told that all we have to do is claim this victory that has already been won for us, so my mission is to learn how to do exactly that. And as for me not knowing why I'm going through what I'm going through now...well I just choose to trust in God and in the fact that He is allowing this for a reason. And every time I start to have one of my pity parities, I will just have to remind myself that His ways are so much higher and wiser than our ways. Higher are they as the heavens are above the earth. And that His love for us is perfect and complete, and with complete love comes judgement, chastising and discipline>And finally as Job said, "Are we to accept only the good from God and not the bad?"