A couple days ago I lost my life preserver. It wasn't much, but it was all I thought I had. For the last couple of years it seems with each passing month my life had steadily been going from bad to worst. I've experienced everything from stress induced illness, impending divorce, a major injury and surgery to follow and finally near poverty brought on by the inability to work which led to a depletion of my savings. My latest challenges have been learning to use my right foot again and learning to walk all over again, and of course trying to find a job.
Lately I've been consumed with finding a job. I've sent out hundreds of resumes, been on dozens of interviews. I've even gotten hired a couple of times, but both times something weird happened and the offers have got rescinded or some such nonsense. It has never taken me this long to find a job. I've always been very blessed in this area, but for some reason it seems every door I've tried to walk through, has been slammed shut in my face. Even very low paying jobs that I knew I was over qualified for. I've been living a life of just enough. I've prayed, cried, fasted, sacrificed, gave offerings, I've done everything spiritually and naturally possible to find a job, with absolutely no success. Some say it's just a sign of the times, the recession that our country seems to be in. But I've always believed that God could provide a feast to His people even in times of famine.
Ever since my injury, I had been living on a shoestring budget. And it seems that on Friday the shoestring budget that I was living on fell apart. I brought my car to the mechanics for some very routine maintenance work, which I thought was covered under warranty. I did not expect to be coming out of pocket for any type of payment. But of course that was not the case. The mechanic said that my car was coming apart at the seams and that it was in desperate need of some repair. It was going to cost me a small fortune, my only resource was a credit card. I was dead set on not living on credit while going through this temporary dry season. This was a mistake I had made before, and I was determined not to go down that road again. To top it all off, the small stream of weekly income that I was living on was for some reason not deposited into my bank account. I called the bank, the institution from where it should have originated, but no one could tell me why it wasn't there. No reason, it just wasn't there. I was literally penniless, with no warning. No money for food, gas, nothing. The balance in my account was a negative five dollars. I felt my heart sink. Panic was starting to set in.
None of this made sense to me. Why was all of this happening to me? Why was God not answering my cries for help, as He said He would in His word? I was a tither, a giver. It clearly states that the righteous would not be forsaken. That those who call on His name would not be disappointed. That we, those who love the Lord and follow His commandments, would be the head and not the tail. That Christ died to give us life and life more abundantly. So what was up with this? Why was my life not reflecting His Word? I felt my spirit breaking within me. I felt that I had no control over any of the circumstances in my life. I just gave up.
It was about this time a friend of mine called me and told me that he felt the same way about a week ago. He was actually sitting in a bible study service, feeling the exact same way that I was feeling right now. But he said it was about this time when he heard God speaking to him. And this is what He said to him. He said he heard God say to him, "Go deeper." Now I don't know exactly what that meant for my friend, but the moment I heard him say the words, I knew what it meant for me. God was speaking to me through my friend, and he was telling me to cast off my worries and the superficial cares of this world. He was saying to me, "Go deeper in your faith and trust in me to take care of you. Place your burdens on me, and this time, don't take them back. Make a solid life decision, to trust me or not, to believe My Word or not.
So I did. I chose. NO I'm not saying it was or is easy. But I chose to make a decision, a decision to trust God no matter how things actually looked. To walk the walk we Christians are always talking about. To walk by faith and not by sight. And in making this decision to trust God to be the loving father He says He is. I chose to believe that He would never do anything to hurt me. And that everything He allows in my life, is for my eternal good. And not just for my good but for the good of all those whom I might come into contact with on the path to my purpose. I believe that all the doors He has been closing and not allowing me to walk through, have been closed to prevent me from falling back into things that are comfortable to me. I believe that He is trying to move me forward into my purpose. Into HIS PERFECT WILL for my life, and preventing me from going backwards. This is what we as humans tend to do when we are faced with a new, uncomfortable or painful situation. Maybe, just maybe God is trying to answer the prayers that I had been praying for for so many years. That He would bless me with a consistent, prosperous income, in an unconventional way. Maybe, just maybe God trusts me to be strong and pass this test. I choose to believe that He is refining me like silver, so that I can shine on others by sharing with them the story of my test, and and how through His strength, I gave the controls of my life to Him and victoriously passed the test. The test that became my testimony.
