PUT DOWN YOUR BUTTER KNIFE AND GET OUT OF MY WAY

It’s no secret that I have been facing some challenges with a co-worker, and from the very beginning, I knew that this was a situation that belonged to God.  I knew that this particular challenge was coming straight from the enemy.   I was constantly being attacked and slandered; my good name was being dragged through the mud for no apparent reason, at least no reason that was apparent to me. But there is always a reason is there, even if we don’t know what it is.  Although most times the reasons that people choose to target another person for acts like bullying, harmful rumors and lies or unsolicited schemes and attacks, usually goes back a lot further than before the targets of their attacks ever showed up on the scene.  But in this case let’s just say the perpetrator was angry with herself, but decided it would be much easier to take it out on me than to face up to her own demons.  And as a result she has been trying to do as much harm to me as possible,  as often as she possibly could in order to take her mind off of her disappointment in herself and to keep busy by creating an imaginary enemy, which in her mind, I guess would be me.

  But as I stated previously, from the beginning of the whole situation, I decided that I would have to let God handle it, because if I start to handle it my way, it would be an uglier situation than it already was and would not turn out well at all.  I also knew that although I had been experiencing some challenges where I was presently, that I was still in exactly the right place, the place where God wanted me to be.  I believe that God had put me here in order to help me to mature and develop some areas of weakness in my character.  I know for sure that I’ve got some issues with impatience, controlling my emotions and letting go of being reliant on only myself for solutions to my problems and not seeking God’s counsel.   But with each passing day God has proven to me over and over again, that He is in control.  Every step that I have taken since God placed me there has been covered with protection,  and unexplainable favor, including how I got there in there first place.   And with each victory I would praise God and become more and more assured with confidence in our relationship and my trust in Him.  I also grew stronger in my faith, love and more intimately connected to Him as well.

But one thing I’ve also begun to realize during this time is how angry and uncomfortable this made The Enemy.  I believe that he got a sense that he was losing this battle because he started to pull out his big guns against me.  I’ve heard it said that you should never let yourself get too hungry, tired, too lonely or stressed out because you are at most vulnerable to attacks by the enemy at these times.  And as for women, we might also want to add, watch out for those times when you are feeling hormonal.  Because I know for sure that there was one day last week, at exactly the right moment when I was suffering from all of those things. I believe what Peter says in scripture; (1 Peter 5:8) “Stay alert, watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He is like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.”   I know this to be true first hand because I believe that at exactly the right time he employed my co-worker to send an email to me and my boss that hit exactly the right nerve, and I had an explosive knee jerk reaction.  I wish I could say that it was only that one slip of the tongue and pen (in email form to my boss and the owners of the company), but sadly, it was not. 

The incident that I speak of happened on a Thursday, but I went on and on, over and over it Friday, Saturday and Sunday.  Not only did I snap at my family, but I incessantly yammered on about the event, and replayed the scenario over and over again for all of my friends, in blow by blow detail.  I was like one of those crazy women that you see on the subway talking to themselves.  I drove everyone I came into contact with totally crazy.  I talked about my situation over dinner with friends, I talked about it at the movies, I talked about it while watching TV, clearly I was a woman obsessed.   Thank goodness, it wasn’t long before I realized it and not a moment too soon, because by then I couldn’t stand to hear my own voice, I couldn’t even stand to be around myself anymore, I was even driving myself crazy.   I was also starting to feel this enormous sense of burden that weighed down my entire spirit, the more I thought about it the angrier I got,  and the angrier I got, the more I stressed and obsessed over it.  It was at this point that I knew that I needed to spend some serious alone time with God. 

So first thing Sunday morning that is exactly what I did.  The only problem was that I didn’t really get to have the quality time that I needed to hear from God and to get some sense of resolution about the situation.  And as a result I went to work the next day feeling that this dark, heavy cloud of negativity and pessimism was hanging over my head and following me around.   I’m sure that everyone I came into contact with must have felt it as well, because my productivity that day was the lowest it’s ever been, my whole day totally sucked.  I worked harder than I ever have on this job, with absolutely nothing to show for it. 

Again I was feeling angry, tired, stressed and disappointed, and as I said previously, you know who was watching and waiting for just the right moment to pounce.  And pounce he did, I was sucker punched by another incident initiated by my coworker’s little helper, and yet again, I had another knee jerk reaction.  You would think that I would have learned my lesson, but apparently I didn’t because I sent out  another bone headed angry, crazy lady email that sent my boss and the owners of the company into a frenzy.  It also made me look paranoid and totally incredible. 

It was at this moment, but only after my boss reamed me and sliced me apart that I realized that I had just been played by the enemy like a fiddle.  It was also at this moment that I had finally gotten tired of being played like “Boo-Boo La Foo” (A.K.A an idiot).  I was tired of being a victim of his schemes and reacting exactly the way he wanted me to, I was tired of feeling like a casualty of war, oh no it was on now.  Somehow it clicked; I finally realized that I was at war.  And I may have lost the last few battles, but now that I knew better, and with God on my side, I would not lose the war. Again, just like it says in scripture; “For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil ... Because your fight has not been with flesh and blood, but with Principalities…” (Ephesians 6:12). So I also realized that I was going to have to fight fire with fire, I  knew that I was going to have to shut out the world and spend some serious one on one time with God, just He and I.

So I prayed about it, read the word, mediated on it, and asked for guidance to help me figure out how I got off on the wrong path.  And the more I searched scripture and the more I prayed and listened, I kept getting the same answer, basically to summarize it, it went something like this, “Well you started off on the right track, you said that no matter what you were going to trust me to fight your battles for you this time.  You said that since it was Me, God that put you here in this place, and you being an all knowing God, must have known that all these things would occur, and still you wanted me here in this place, that you obviously had a plan to get me through it.” But then you let your emotions control you and push you into doing things that I had nothing to do with. You picked up your own weapons and started fighting your own battle. But remember, the battle is not yours, it’s mine! The weapons that you are using are insufficient for this fight.  Compared to the weapons I will use, it’s like you have brought a butter knife to a gun fight.  SO PUT DOWN YOUR SCRAWNLY LITTLE BUTTER KNIFE AND GET OUT OF MY WAY.”  I heard the Holy Spirit say to me.

No matter how large my weapons may be, they are small and insignificant in comparison to any weapon that God might possess in His arsenal to fight my battles.  Now I knew that I needed to place my minuscule weapons on the ground and get behind God like a shield, and let Him pick up where He left off when I was letting Him fight my battle for me.  Basically, all I really needed to do was to just get out of His way so that He could do His thing, He never needed my help.

  I woke up the next morning with a sense of peace and surrender about this situation that I hadn’t felt previously.  And wouldn’t you know it, I went to work that day and ran across those same coworkers, and of course, they were up to their same old petty tricks.  But amazingly, I wasn’t angry or upset with them, I didn’t feel any anger or animosity towards them at all, it was weird, like I was just meeting them for the first time, like we had no past between us at all.  I was truly filled with a peace that passed all understanding.   They had not changed; they were still the same old characters that they were before.  But this time their plans didn’t work against me because I was different.  I had reconnected to my place of peace, and let me tell you that there is phenomenal power in peace.  But I was also cognizant of what I was dealing with, I recognized that my coworkers were not really my opponents, the Enemy was.   I also now knew what weapons I needed to fight this war I was in.   I finally understood that my strongest weapon would be to keep my eyes forward on my goals in front of me, to keep my peace, stay in control of my emotions and look upward to God, knowing that He is still in control and even though I may not be able to see it, I know that He is fighting my battles for me even as I write this.

GOD’S GOT A PLAN

Today I find myself in a very difficult circumstance.  I’m sitting between the proverbial “Rock and a hard place.  I am in a no win situation.  Everyplace I turn to search for an answer or a glimmer of hope, I constantly run into a brick wall.  Every corridor I look down I seem to find darkness, my situation is looking pretty bleak.   Daily I review my circumstances, struggling to develop strategies, deciphering formulas, hoping that today I will uncover some tangible evidence that will give me the sum of a different answer than the one that I got yesterday and the day before that.  But the only evidence I find is to the contrary, facts, like numbers are cold and hard, black and white, they don’t lie or take pity on anyone, not even a good hearted person in an unkind situation. 

So what should I do, do I quit? Do I run and hide? Do I give up and disappoint myself, as well as everyone who is counting on me? I rack my brain every day for an answer, for a way out of this, for a way to still win this fight and come out ahead, but still I have no solution.  And in my moment of weakness I find that I’m so desperate that I start to pity myself.  I even heard myself asking, out loud, “Why me Lord?”  “Why am I here in this place, and how am I going to get myself out of this, Lord?” 

And it’s at that time, at my moment of weakness that I became my strongest.  It’s at that time that I heard the answer, and I got the answer simply because I asked.   I felt the answer come up from way down deep in my spirit.  I could almost audibly hear God say, “Don’t worry, I’ve got this, I’VE GOT A PLAN.”  And then I felt a peaceful, serene sense of calm wash over me because I realized that I was here in this place because this is exactly where God wanted me to be.  He put me in a place where to the visible eye there would be no solution to my problem, because after all, faith is not a tangible substance.  God put me in a place where I would have to lean and depend on Him ever so closely; just to make it successfully through each day.  He wanted me and everyone around me to see that when I make it through this thing, and I don’t just mean make it through by the skin of my teeth, but thriving, victorious and prosperous, that He did it, because He was the only one that could.  He put me in a situation so impossible that only He could get me out of it. And when I do, people will look at me and the results, scratching their heads, squinting their eyes and scrunching their noses saying, “How the heck did she get through that, and now she’s actually better off than she was before?  HMMMM… go figure, they will say.”

But deep down in my heart I know that even though at times I may get weak, I still know that GOD’S GOT A PLAN!  I know that I am not here in this predicament by mistake.  I know that God has known even before I was born that I would someday be in this place, and He already had a solution to this and to all of my problems.  I know that He already has all of my blessings, opportunities, big breaks, resources, and the right people lined up waiting for me.  “For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans for hope and a future.”( Jeremiah 29:11)  God says that He knew us, while we were still in our mother’s womb, even before we were born.    This world is God’s and everything in it.  He’s got every of our lives worked out already, He is the only one that is in complete and total control.

For me when I find myself starting to freak out, in my times of weakness, when all I can seem to do is focus on the chaos spinning out of control around me,  these are the times when I should be focusing my eyes on how big my God is and not how big my problems are.  When times get rough I remind myself of all of God’s promises and of all of His characteristics”.   I also know that when I am weak, discouraged and running low on faith that is just the enemy, trying to plant seeds of fear inside of my subconscious, to distract me from something.  Maybe I’m getting to close to a certain blessing or a breakthrough in some area that I have been praying for? Maybe he’s trying to distract me from helping someone that I may soon encounter that I am supposed to help in some way?  Perhaps he wants to throw me off of the path I’m on because I’m finally fulfilling my purpose?  Who knows why, but one thing I am most certain of is that nothing is too big for God; He does His best work when He has to make a way out of no way.  I really believe God loves these types of situations because, we get the blessings and He gets the Glory.  That is just the way He likes it and that’s just the way it ought to be.  And if for some reason things don’t work out like I thought they should, I must put my trust in God and know that it worked out just as it should have.  “Nevertheless, not my will, but yours be done” (Luke 22-42b).  Ultimately my solace comes from knowing that although His ways are not our ways, God’s will is always going to be better for me than any plan or solution I could ever come up with by myself. 

UPDATE:  Not 24 hours after I wrote this blog, even before I had a chance to publish it, God came through for me in an unbelievably awesome way.  He literally changed my circumstances and outlook overnight.  He came through for me so much bigger than I was praying for, faster than I could have ever imagined and better than I know I deserve.  All I can say is Thank You Lord, you are true to your promises, and if we give our will to you and put our trust in you, you will do for us whatever we can believe in you to do.  God’s blessings are only limited by our level of faith in Him.

Enemy or Footstool

In my last blog I wrote about how God can use our enemies to elevate us to another level of blessings.   God said in His word to “Sit until I make your enemies your footstool.”  This was a phrase that I heard before many times and I thought I understood what it meant. But I never really understood it until God allowed me to learn a whole new perspective on it through a real life experience.

 Recently, God blessed me with an awesome opportunity at a new company.  It was tailor made for my personality, my schedule my family and my lifestyle, not to mention it had some tremendous financial benefits attached to it.  There was only one problem, one of my coworkers turned out to be a serious “Hater”.  Even though I had a feeling that something was not quite right with her, I chose to ignore my instincts and tried to be friendly and cordial towards her.  I thought that I would make the best of the situation, because unfortunately not only was she my coworker, my boss thought that it would be a great idea to have her assist in training me as well.  I began to trust my instincts that something was wrong when she repeatedly asked me to accompany me on her daily errands and shopping trips instead of training me for the daily functions of my new job.  She would even tell me to knock off early and in some cases not to come in at all… hmmmm, I thought this is starting to get a little suspicious.  So finally I decided to listen to that small voice inside of me and request a meeting with my boss about the progression my training.  I didn’t want to be unprepared for my job when the time came for me to fly solo.  I was glad that I did so, because it was at that time that I found out that she had been giving my boss false reports about everything from my attendance to my performance and attitude.  I also found out that not only was she lying on me and trying to make me look bad and refusing to train me, she had also fabricated an elaborate vicious lie about me, went in to see the owners of the company, told it to them  and every person that she came in contact with in our small company.  But she wasn’t done yet; she also went to the owners of the company and requested to take away every single account that I had that could possibly help me to generate any decent revenue in my territory.   And to complete her diabolical scheme, she also enlisted a friend of hers to help her. This friend of hers happened to work in the department that controlled our sales leads, and she told her to make sure that I didn’t receive any leads and that they would all go directly to her.  It all made sense to me now, why everyone including the owners was now treating me so differently.  Everyone was extremely cold and stand offish with me.  I was totally oblivious; I thought it was just because I was the new girl.  Now I know why my team had been excluding me from social functions and leaving me out of the friendly huddles and brain storming sessions.

I felt a surge of fury and devastation rush over me all at once.   Why was she doing this to me, what possible reason could she have for treating me this way?  Why would someone I barely know try to sabotage my career, ruin my reputation and try to take away my livelihood, the way that I provide for my family?   For one fleeting moment I even went so far as to ask God why He would put me in a situation like this.  But at least I did have enough spiritual maturity to answer that question for myself and not insult God with it.  Just because God gives you a blessing it doesn’t mean that there will not be challenges or obstacles that will accompany it.  The Israelites had to go through the desert and were expected to fight their enemies to siege and occupy their promised land.  So I wasn’t about to let myself start to go down that road of feeling sorry for myself, who was I to think that I was to be excluded from problems, or painful challenges?

 My first thought after shaking off my painful, confused emotions, was that of retaliation, my feisty nature immediately took over, I wanted to meet her in the parking lot and just beat her butt.  Not literally of course, but emotionally and professionally definitely.   I wanted revenge; I wanted her to feel the same pain that I was feeling.  After all I told myself that anything that I did to her right now would be totally justified.   I could very easily plot and scheme against her and her little minion until their lives were just as miserable as mine was.  But my soap opera revenge fantasy lasted only for a brief second before I let the whole mellow dramatic plan go.  I knew in my heart that it would be the wrong thing to do, maybe in a past life I might have gone there, but it just wasn’t who I was anymore.  And it was also at that very moment that I heard the Holy Spirit say to me, “Sit still and let God handle this.”  This seemed to be a very simple request, but it was not an easy one.  In fact it was and to this day one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.  And because she and I still work together and she and her little sidekick are still up to their same old tricks, it is still one of hardest things that I pray for the strength to continue to do every single day.  As a matter of fact today was one of those days, I saw her in the parking lot and the urge to run her down still came over me.  I just prayed it away and drove out as quickly as I could before my car “ACCIDENTALLY” lost control and hit her…oopsy! J

But anyway, as I was saying, when I read the verse, “Sit until I make your enemies your footstool”,  I was kind of hoping that in this case God meant it for me in its most literal sense.   I wouldn’t mind putting my feet up on top of my coworker, heck I probably would even be okay with jumping up and down on her at this point.  LOL, just kidding J  But what I know today is that God was saying this to me.  One day, not only would He allow our enemies to serve us by acting on our behalf in a role of support or subordination to us somehow, but now I understand it in a deeper sense to mean something much more profound.  This verse was mentioned at least three times in the bible, Luke 20:43, Acts 2:35 and Psalm 110:1.  There may actually be more occurrences, but those were the only ones that I counted.  So what that tells me was that there was something rather significant in its meaning for us, that God felt the need to repeat it so often.  And although it appears to be very short and simple, for me, its meaning was very deep.

Think about it, what the heck is a footstool?  Immediately when I ask myself that question I pictured myself, kicking back with my feet resting on a plush ottoman. But footstools can also serve us in more than one way.  A footstool can also be used as a prop to boost us up to a higher level in order to reach something we could not ordinarily reach without assistance.  Now what I also found interesting about this verse was that God also gave us one very important and explicit instruction to accompany this promise.  And instruction He gave was to “SIT”.  Yes that’s right He said sit, just sit, be still, do nothing, don’t fret, don’t worry, don’t scheme, don’t plan, don’t plot, just give it over to me, He said, and let me handle it my way.

 I believe that God wants us to know that when situations arise where people hurt us or betray us without cause or provocation that He wants us to give the matter over to Him, trust Him to handle it, and then just sit and wait on Him to do his thing. For most of us, this may be the hardest part of the entire process. But if we can trust Him to handle our battles, He will take care of our enemies and the circumstances that are associated with the issues they have caused for us. “We know that all things work together for good for those that love God.” (Romans 8:28). God wants us to know that if we suppress our natural tendencies to seek revenge, lash out or retaliate against our enemies, and go through the situation prayerfully, giving it to Him, we will grow stronger, more mature, and therefore move up to a new level of faith and trust in our relationship with Him.  But not only that, God has a way of avenging us and disciplining our enemies in a way that will have long lasting effects on their lives. 

God’s revenge is always sweeter than any plan or scheme we could ever come up with, because God has created us all, and He knows what make us tick, He knows how to push our most sensitive buttons.  I believe that God will discipline our enemies on our behalf and cause them to be a witness to the blessings that the He is giving us, in spite of all they may have tried to do to prevent it, and it will hurt. Because truly the best revenge is living well, being prosperous, successful  and happy, in spite of our enemies or the circumstances going on around us. Nothing hurts your Haters more than watching you get better, happier, more prosperous and more blessed.

I know that if we let Him, God will use your enemy and the whole situation to make you into a stronger better wiser person, and just like a footstool, your enemy will serve you, and they will have made you stronger, because you had to persevere through the struggle that they took you through.  And you would have defeated them and therefore used them as a stepping stone to rise to new, greater and higher levels in your life, including your faith and trust in God. And for this He will reward you handsomely.  If you are innocent of and remain righteous, you will always wind up standing on top of your enemies.  For “If God is for you, who can be against you?” (Romans 8:3) And let’s not forget,  “No weapon formed against you shall prosper.” Isaiah 54:17. We will indeed come out on top of our enemies, if we do what God is telling us to.

And I know this from personal experience.   God has already blessed me tremendously in my new position already,  He has opened doors for me that have never been opened previously and allowed me to plant seeds of opportunity that I know will grow into amazing revenue streams for both me and my company, and I know that this is just the beginning.  I’m not quite sure how all of my blessings will manifest themselves, but I am anxiously waiting to see what miraculous things God will do on my behalf now and in the future.  I know that with God it’s always a surprise, you just never know, but I will definitely be keeping you posted.

A SPECIAL DEDICATION TO ALL OF THE HATERS OF 2011

Was 2011 your year for all of your enemies to attack you.  Did it seem that no matter where you turned, there were enemies all around you?  Were you the innocent victim of betrayal, gossip, lies, slander, infidelity or broken trust?  Did someone leave you heartbroken, or  did they steal something even more valuable from you like your trust? Has someone stolen something near and dear to your heart like a lover or a promotion, maybe you were even conned out of your life savings?  Did someone falsely befriend you, only to use you to get close to another person in your life?   Or perhaps the person that hurt you was not an obvious adversary, maybe there is someone in your circle whom in the nice-nastiest way, is constantly trying to belittle, degrade or take potshots at you at every available opportunity.   Pretending to be your friend, knowing that all the while they are filled with jealousy and contempt for you.  These types of people pretend to be your best friends in order to stay close to you.  Because it’s easier to do the most damage at a closer range as a friend than it would be farther away as an enemy.  So they stay in your life, continuing to be the only thing that they truly ever could be to you, and that is a” Frienemy”.  Or to put it even more plainly, an undercover Hater disguised as a friend=Frienemy.   

The type of hurt inflicted by a friend can be the most painful of all.  But the solace to that bitter pill is that at least in some twisted way, it does make more sense for someone who is closer to you to hurt you than it would be for a complete and total strange to hurt you.  At least they know you, and no matter how twisted the reasons are that they have fabricated in their mind, they know what your life is like, and maybe watched your happiness, gifts, talents and blessings from afar and grown envious overtime. Like I said, it is twisted, but in some way it does make sense. In my mind it makes a lot more sense than when a stranger who knows nothing about me, targets me, to hurt me for absolutely no reason.  I know that for me, when I have been attacked and purposely hurt by someone who doesn’t even know me, it baffles me.  The pain that I feel is compounded by the confusion that comes along with a situation like that.   In the past, I’ve spent many long hours trying to figure it all out.   I keep asking myself what I did or said wrong to make them treat me this way, to make someone seek me out to attack me maliciously without cause or provocation.  And the answer I got was this:  “People always throw rocks at things that shine.”

 I heard that line in the lyrics of a Taylor Swift song.  I’ve got to give it to her, for such a young girl, she has either dealt with a lot of “Haters” or been blessed with wisdom beyond her years. Because not only did she sing those words, she also wrote them.    And when I heard them, they so perfectly expressed exactly what I was feeling.  Because it seems to me that the more joy, talent, beauty, prosperity, blessings, love, happiness or wealth you have, the more some people want to hurt you.   My mom used to tell me when I was growing up that no matter how much you do to please people, there will always be someone that doesn’t like you, for whatever reason.  There will never be a way to make everyone like you. You will never be able to please everyone. So don’t ever try, just be you, “Do You.”  Don’t  ever try and “Shrink to Fit”,  in order to make someone else feel more comfortable about themselves.   Don’t ever put a dimmer on the brightness of your shine; just learn how to dodge the rocks.

We may never know why there seems to be this natural inclination for some people to hate those who are happier or that seem to be more successful than they are.  Maybe seeing the happiness of others reminds them of how unhappy and disappointed they are with the way their lives have turned out.  Seeing our happiness reminds them of the misery. And instinctively we become the enemy, the obvious target of their pain. That is just one theory of mine, but really we may never know why The Haters that we encounter, do what they do. Maybe Satan just needs to use someone to assist him in doing his dirty work.  And even though it may not look that way right now,  if any of these things have happened to you, like myself, if you have experienced  unwarranted pain or hurt this past year as the result of any of these events, do you know what I have to say to that?  GOOD, NO GREAT! THANKS HATERS!”  Because believe it or not they have actually did us an enormous favor.  So to all of the “Haters” out there, I say THANKS, because you’ve  made me stronger, tougher, smarter, wiser, helped me to sharpen my instincts, you have also made me more determined to be better, no, to be the best that I can be in spite of all that you have done to sabotage me.  And by living my life this way, being the best me that I can be, happy, healthy and free, I am insured to have the best and sweetest revenge possible.  Although I must point out, that this is not my goal.  It is simply the result of living well.  The best revenge you can ever have in life, is to live well and be happy.  And the benefits do not end there; the best news is still yet to come.

Because what I’ve learned is that whenever we are the target of unprovoked attacks, it means that God has a plan for you.  It means that like Job, He thinks very highly of you, and after you have passed this test, and gotten through this, He will elevate you to a higher place in your life.  And the cool thing about God is that whenever you pass a test and move on to the next level, he always rewards us with blessings and a higher level of favor and He will use your enemies to assist Him in doing so.   Just as He has said in His Word, “If God is for you, who can be against you?”  He has also said many times in His Word, “He will use your enemies as your footstool.”(Luke 20:43).   But in order for this to happen for us, there are certain requirements and behaviors that God expects from us during this challenging time.   As I stated earlier, I know this from personal experience, and in my next blog I will share exactly how God did that for me and I received blessings and incredible favor from God as a result.

Time; Our Most Precious Gift

I woke up this morning in such a negative place.   My alarm went off, and as soon as I opened my eyes, I felt this feeling of dread wash over me.  This was the week of Thanksgiving and my daughter was on vacation from school for the entire week.  I didn’t have to drive her to school, so why should I have to get up out of bed, when all I wanted to do is just lie there for a couple more hours.  But I knew that I still had to get up at the same time as usual because I had so many items to scratch off of my list before leaving town for the holiday weekend.  Immediately, I felt my attitude start to plummet as I got out of bed, mentally itemizing the list of to do’s for the day.   I had to get to the gym,  call someone to repair my washing machine, (I paused there to complain about how much that was gonna cost and what a rotten time for this to occur, just as I was leaving town for a holiday vacation).  I also had to wrap up the loose ends of pending business deals, pick up ingredients from the grocery for my part of the Thanksgiving meal and somewhere in the next three days, I would have to find some time to clean the house.  I was exhausted just thinking about it.  It’s no wonder I wanted to stay in the bed.

 To add to my list, as a part of my morning ritual, one of the things I do to start my day is to attend a meeting of an organization that I belong to, via conference call.   Reluctantly, and with the sourest attitude possible, I logged onto the call.  The voices I heard were familiar, but somehow they sounded a bit different today.  They were muffled and somber, as if everyone speaking had a really bad head cold.  And then I heard someone express their regret that they didn’t know her better before she passed away.  Finally I got it.  Someone in the organization had died over the weekend.  Then I learned who it was and instantly I felt a sense of guilt and shame.  You see, I’ve never actually met the people involved in this particular segment of this organization.  I only know them by their voices, their names and the portions of their personal experiences that they have chosen to share with those of us on the daily calls.  This woman, the one whom had died this weekend, had a very distinct voice.  Her voice was very raspy, it sounded like she had gravel of some sort stuck in her throat.  She also spoke extremely slowly, and all I could recall about her, is that every time she volunteered to read or speak, I sighed, sucked my teeth and rolled my eyes, and thought, “oh no, not her, her voice is so hard to listen to and she is going to take forever to get her point across. “  And that was the only point of reference I had to identify this woman.  All I could think was “shame on you Cherie.  Here you are complaining about minuet chores that happen to interrupt your beauty sleep and leisure time, when this poor woman was not given the opportunity to wake up or complain about not getting enough sleep, having too many chores or anything else. “And that wasn’t the worst of it.  The worst part of all was that, I had no other way to identify this lady in my mind, other than the fact that I was inconvenienced by her unpleasant voice and lengthiness of speech.  God sure knows just how to put us in our place, because I felt like the biggest jerk alive.

Despite my new found conviction and shame, I continued to listen to the call.   And to my surprise, the woman that they spoke of was more than just the slow speaking lady with the raspy voice.  Almost every person that spoke about her seemed to share some personal story of how she had touched their life.  Many of the callers shared how to their disbelief, and even in her dire circumstances, she was still able to give so much of herself.  Over and over again, I heard the stories of what a wonderful, joy filled person she was.  How she was continually grateful for every moment of her life, both the good and the bad.   And how candidly she shared her experiences, and how she used the lessons that she had learned to help others.  They also spoke of her patience, kindness and good natured disposition.   It seemed as though she had provided a warm, safe space, filled with comfort and refuge, to many people in need.   And apparently, to my surprise, she was able to do all this while she was confined to a wheelchair, and living in a nursing home.  I also learned that she woke up at 4:00 am every morning to join these conference calls because she lived in another time zone.  These were of course same calls that I complained of joining at 7:00am. 

Why is it that I had to wait until she had died to learn all of these things about her?  Why didn’t I take the time to listen past the sound of her voice to really hear her story?  Why didn’t I take the time to pick up the phone to call her and talk to her, if I thought she sounded so miserable?  For that matter, why had I not picked up the phone to call and get to know any of the people that I had been sharing this call with every day for months now?  At that point, I had to stop and ask myself, Cherie, is your life really that busy?  Are you really too important to spare five minutes out of your day to connect with another human being, doesn’t happen to be a close friend or family member?

Well, it didn’t really matter now did it, the joke was on me.  Clearly, this was my loss.  I had missed the opportunity to know and to be a part of the life of an extraordinary person.  I had created a life for myself where miniscule details dominated my daily existence.  And then I had the audacity to resent and complain about a life that I myself had created.  How silly is that? If I am feeling overwhelmed, stressed out and exhausted, I had no one to blame except myself.   Its so funny how a little bit of someone else’s reality can change the perspective we have on your own lives.  In the flash of a minute, your life can suddenly look so different, when our vision has been corrected through the glasses of a fresh, new perspective. 

So today I woke up thinking how lucky I am to still have the opportunity to take my daughter to school.  I still have a couple more years left to bond with her and time to spend with her before she goes off to college and starts to lead her own life.  Soon she will be following in the footsteps of her brother; he’s already gone off to start his life and figure out his place in the world.  I think about how  when they were babies, I couldn’t wait until they would sleep through the night and to be able to pour their own cereal in the morning, and how sometimes I wished that they didn’t always need me quite as much for every little thing.  And now that they are both grown, and the time has all gone by so quickly, I wished that I had savored those moments just a little bit more. 

I also think about how often I tend to complain about working out, when just four short years ago, a freak accident took away my ability to even walk at all.  I used lie there helpless in my bed and tell God how sorry I was for taking my independence and mobility for granted, and that if I was ever able to walk again, I promised not to take my health or my life for granted in any way.   God is so good that not only did He bless me with the ability to walk, but to the doctor’s surprise and dismay, He gave me the ability to run again.  Wow, how quickly I’ve forgotten where I came from.   And I had the nerve to complain about having to get up out of bed to work out and having to take care of my own body.  I should be ecstatic that I can actually get up out of bed on my own, never mind the fact that I can actually go running or work out at all.

And as far as complaining about having to pay to repair my washing machine goes, at least I have the money to repair it.  I can remember a time not so long ago when I could not have said as much.  And to top it all off, I also was fortunate enough to still have the means to go on my holiday vacation,  and  to buy food to share with all of my friends and family, which I am also extremely fortunate enough to have in my life. I’m sure we all know people who can not boast of such things.

But I’m sure by now you get my point.  We all can come to a place where we so easily take the gifts in our lives for granted.   Without the benefit of the right prospective, we can mistake the gifts that we have been given as burdens.  We can rush through our most precious moments and wish away seasons that were given to us in order to make memories that will comfort us in older, possibly lonelier years to come.

It’s easy to see how we can miss out on real opportunities to impact others, in ways that will count long after our time here on earth has run out.  Lately, these days, my clock seems to be ticking faster and louder all the time.   And as I sit still and listen and let the stillness of life surround me,  what I am finding out for me is this; the most precious gift of all,  the most valuable commodity  that I possess, the gift that no money can buy, the gift that can be wasted, but never acquired again,  the gift that I am most grateful for is TIME…memories of TIMES past, opportunities to grasp fleeting moments of the TIME in the present and if we are blessed and lucky enough, TIME to come in the future. 

Hug, Kisses and Mini Miracles  

There was a period in my life when I was pretty down on my luck financially.  It seemed that no matter what I did or how hard I tried, I couldn’t make a dime.  All of my best efforts seem to be futile. If I had to put a label on this period, I would definitely have to say that I had hit “Rock Bottom”.  It was strictly by God’s grace, and through the help of my family and friends that we managed to keep food on our table, gas in the car and all of the utilities on.  For me, it was extremely painful and stressful to have to ask for help.  It was a huge blow to my pride and to my ego.  Everyday I would ride this roller coaster of emotions.  I was constantly worrying about how I was going to pay the next bill. During this time, I found myself constantly asking God where He was in all of this and why He was not providing for me.

But it was at this time that a friend of mine offered to take me out to dinner.  During the course of feeding me dinner, she also fed me some words of wisdom.  I was blabbering on and on complaining about how God wasn’t there for me.  But I also knew deep down that I was exactly in the place in my life that I was supposed to be.  Exactly in the place God wanted me to be in my life at that moment.  And I knew this because it was God Himself whom had placed me there.  “So then, if that was true, why was He not providing for me” I asked her?  I will never forget what she said to me. She said, “Cherie what is it exactly that God is not providing for you?  You’ve got a roof over your head, clothes on your back and food on your table.  All of your utilities have been paid.  He is providing for you”, maybe not in the way that you are accustomed to, but make no mistake about it, He is providing for you.”  And it was at that very moment, that I first felt God blowing me a kiss.

It was then that I realized that she was right. God was providing for me, it just wasn’t in the way that I expected that He would.  I had just accepted a new job, a job that I thought God had led me to.  This was a job that entailed many risks, especially financial risks.  But I thought that since God had placed me here in this job and in this position that surely He would provide for me.  I had all of these visions of how God was just going to cover me with His supernatural favor and blessings.  I think that I thought that God was just going to magically feed me these miraculous deals.  All I would have to do is breathe on them and they would close. For a minute there, I think that I mistook God for the Great Houdini or maybe even my own personal Santa Clause.  But thanks to my friend,  armed with her wise insight and  her bold words, she was able to slap me and wake me up,  out of my dream state in  La La land.  I started to really pay attention to all of the ways that God was providing for me, and showing me His love and favor.  It was also at this time that I saw how each and everyday God shows us how much He loves each of us on a very personal and individually level.  He shows His love for us each very differently, and intimately. Just like an attentive lover, He woos us.  He knows our likes and dislikes.  He knows the events which will effect us and touch us deep down inside, like no one else will ever know.  He knows what will move and stir us on the inside.  He knows exactly what our specific triggers are and what circumstances will propel us to change and to stimulate growth within us.

Sometimes He shows His love for us in an obvious way, like when you receive that promotion or raise that you’ve been praying for.  I call those types of gestures, ”Hugs from God”.   These are the moments that make me feel as though God is putting His big, strong arms around me, squeezing me tight and making me feel all warm inside, with a feeling of security like a grandparent gives you.  This is God’s way of telling me how proud He is of me and giving me a little gift to express His pride in me.

 Sometimes God will do things for us that are small and sweet, like a tiny piece of candy that someone might leave on your pillow in morning. If you are rushing about too quickly getting ready for your day, and not paying attention to your surroundings, you might just miss it. This type of gesture from God may also be as little as going to a crowed mall and getting there just in time to snag a prime parking spot, just as someone is pulling out of it.  These are not exactly huge gestures,   but they are God’s way of showing you that someone out there in the universe loves you and is thinking about you today.  I call those events kisses from God, because I can just see Him, ever so gently, blowing soft, sweet little kisses from heaven.  And that makes me think of chocolate, candy kisses. 

And thirdly, on occasion, God will show you some “Ole School Love”.  That’s the type of love he showed for His disciples back in biblical days.  You will easily recognize it when God releases this type of love for you in your life, because it’s unexplainable to everyone around you.   It may not even make sense to you.  These are the type of stories that you tell people, but you really don’t want to tell them, because you just know that while you’re telling them the story, they’re thinking that you are exaggerating or that you are just flat out lying.  The type of story you start off by saying, “Your not gonna believe this but…”  And you know deep down inside, immediately upon its occurrence, that this thing, this event that has just taken place, was a special gift from God to you.  Because only God could have orchestrated a coo this amazing.  Only God could have pulled this off so perfectly, with such attention to detail and synchronicity.  I call these modern day wonders “Mini Miracles”.  To the person sitting on the outside of our lives looking in, these events may seem small, trivial even.  But to us, we know that God stepped in and intervened at just the right moment to help us move through whatever we had been praying, maybe even begging and pleading for Him to help us through. This to me is nothing short of miraculous.

God has given me evidence of His love for me by performing these mini miracles on my behave more times than I can count.  Now that I am able to recognize these events, if I look back on my life there were probably hundreds of times God performed these incredible fetes in my life.  One such fete happened to me when I was going through that period of financial lack that I had spoken about previously.

It was a few weeks after I had that dinner with my friend, and I had this marvelous epiphany about how God shows His affection to us in to fit our personalities and situations.  I was no longer feeling down, depressed and consumed with self pity, because I was now able to appreciate and see how God had been paying close, personal attention to my life all along.  I was able to recognize how He was consistently blessing me everyday.  God was still blessing me, even in the midst of going through this extremely tough phase of my life.  I was indeed grateful that through God’s provision, we still had a roof over our heads, along with all the creature comforts of home.  But unfortunately, after paying all of these bills, I didn’t have enough money to pay the cable TV bill.  I know it’s not exactly a necessity, but it did make life just a little bit more pleasant for us, especially in times like these. 

The night previous to the cable disconnection date, I prayed that God would, somehow, someway keep the cable on for me and my family.  I told God, “I don’t know how you will do it, because I won’t have the money to pay this bill in the little time that I have left.  And the cable company has refused to work with me on delaying the cut off or take a smaller payment, so I don’t have a solution. But I know that all things are possible with you, and I know that you do have a solution and can make a way to keep our cable on.”  After that I let it go.  To me, this matter was far too little that God should concern Himself or be anyplace on His list of priorities.  After all we were only talking about our ability to watch television; this was by no means a matter of life or death.  So I had peace with the fact that tomorrow morning, we would not be able to watch TV.  In these modern times, remember, you can’t just watch regular TV without some sort of cable or satellite contraption. 

The next day, I went about my business as usual.  I didn’t even attempt to turn the TV on, but my daughter came home from school and without missing a beat, she threw her books down and headed straight for the television.  To my surprise, it was working, every single channel was there.  I looked online at my bill, and sure enough, it was still past due.  Darn, no secret admire had paid it for me.  So happy but bewildered, I called the cable company.  And after giving the annoying automated computer my account number, it immediately announced that it was sorry that I had no service, and in order to restore it I would need to pay the current as well as the past due amount.  After going through many prompts, I was finally able to reach a live person, whom also immediately apologized that my service had been disconnected and offered me the same deal as the computer did to have it restored.  Only I would now have to pay an additional fee because I had now incurred a disconnect fee.   I was still feeling very confused, because my daughter and I were sitting here watching her favorite after school show on our disconnected television,  only now, not only was I confused about that, I had to speak to a supervisor, in order to request that they remove the disconnect fee that had been placed on my account because no disconnection had ever taken place.

Again, I was greeted by the supervisor, who extended her apologies that my cable was disconnected, and again she gave the exact same remedy as the others before her, in order to get it restored.  Once again, I explained to her that I still had cable and that she could remove the disconnection fee and allow me to pay a lesser amount in a couple days to keep my service going.  After some time and convincing on my part, she was able to work out a way for me to pay for my service at a lesser rate with a date extension.  She even agreed to remove the disconnection fee, but only as a service to me, because she was absolutely positive that I must be mistaken, and I could not possibly have any cable service.  She went on to say that all of their computers could not possibly be wrong, and that she was more than certain that our service had absolutely been disconnected.  And unfortunately would not be restored until we were able to make our payment in a few days.  So finally I just let it go.  And it was at that moment that the light in my brain finally came on.   I hit my forehead with the palm of my hand and said “duh…don’t you get what just happened?  God just hooked you up, He answered your prayer, and He just granted you a mini miracle. It took me a minute to realize that I had gotten what I wanted all around.  I was able to make payment arrangements that I could live with, the disconnection fee had been removed, and somehow, I don’t know how, God made a way to keep my cable from ever being disconnected at all, even though I wouldn’t be able to pay the bill for a few more days.

Like I said, to someone looking at this from the outside of this situation, they may be thinking, “What was the miracle?  It’s not like God parted the Red Sea for her or anything.”  But when you’ve been struggling through a really hard time in your life, and it seems like if just one more thing happens, I think I’m going to loose it.  It’s the little things that can keep you going, a kind word of encouragement from a friend, someone picking up your check unexpectedly at dinner, or an unexplainable fluke at the cable company. 

No, until this day, I can’t explain what happened.  And apparently, neither can the cable company.  I just accept it as a token of affection, a gift from above.  I accepted it gladly because that’s what you’re supposed to do when someone gives you a gift, graciously accept it.   And that is exactly what I did. I also knew down deep in my heart that this was God’s way of reaching out to show me His love and favor, in order to help me and my family to get through this really hard time.  This was God’s way of performing a mini miracle, just for me.

That day God made me feel extremely special.  With all the pressing matters on God’s agenda, He took time to tend to my frivolous desires.  And yes, it made me feel special, that the maker of the universe would do this for me.  But as special as I felt, I know that I am not the only one that God loves in this manner.  He loves us all the same, but somehow has this unique way to show each of us how special we are to Him.  He loves each of us in a way that is tailored made to meet our specific personality traits desires.

God’s ability to do this for us is truly astonishing to me.   And I would love to hear and share your stories with others as well.  Write back and tell everyone how God has either blown you a kiss, given you a hug or granted you your own personal mini miracle.  You can give me your full name and story or remain completely anonymous if you choose.  Don’t miss your chance to give hope to others by sharing with them your stories of inspiration and joy.  This is your chance to give back some of the love that God has shown to you.

When you write back and share your story with me.   I in turn will write, publish it and share it with the world, in order to teach others to recognize God’s goodness in their lives.

Please write back to me by commenting to this blog or email me at christiancitychick@gmail.com

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Skydiving With God Again

It's been a little over three year since I've Blogged and there have been many, many changes that have taken place in my life.  At the time of my last blog, anyone that read it could clearly see that I was miserable.  I was recovering from a major accident, where I had shattered most of the bone in my foot.  After undergoing, a couple of reconstructive surgeries I thought I would be fine. But the doctors thought otherwise. Basically they had little confidence that I would ever regain the full function of my right foot.  I was told by my surgeons and specialists, that I would not ever be able to do the things that I loved to do again, such as run, rollerblade or wear high heel shoes.  Now I could live without the first two, but trying to make the whole diva thing work without a pair of sharp shoes was not gonna happen, and that was totally unacceptable to me.  So I literally rebuked all of that foolishness in the name of the Lord, and with some rehab and lots of hard work, I went on to regain, pretty much all the function in my foot.  Besides walking normally, the first thing I wanted to do was to buy a cute pair of stilettos.  That didn't work out so well for me, so I learned that I would have to compromise a little.  I've had to adjust my  fashion style to accomodate the limited mobility in my foot, no more pumps or Stilettos, for now anyway. But that's fine, as long as I can still wear a cute pair of heels, I'm happy.  After all, I can't really rock a hot little black dress in a pair of flip flops now can I?  Anyway, with lots of hard work and little bit of time in physical therapy, my foot has even grown strong enough to run again.  I'm actually up to about 3 miles a day now.  That is a blessing that I literally thank God for everyday.  In fact, getting my mobility and Independence back is something I thank God for everyday.  Until you've spent months on your back in bed, or in a wheel chair, depending on people to do everything for you, including feeding, driving you around or helping you to bath, you don't realize how precious your life and health are.  Now rollerblading, that's a whole other thing.  I have not gotten up the nerve to try that yet, that will be next on my list of adventures.

But let's get to the good stuff.  Like what happened with my divorce and why the heck haven't I posted anything for the past 3 1/2 years.  Let's start with the divorce, that's the other thing I thank God for on a daily basis. The traditional Christian view is that God does not really approve of  divorce.  But I feel in my heart, that in this case, He might have made an exception.  I would be lying if I said that it was not one of the most painful experiences of my life, because it definetly was.  But it was also to date, the single best most loving, freeing thing that I ever did for myself. The only way to describe it, is to say, when I finally freed myself from my ex-husband, not just legally, but spiritually, emotionally, physically and mentally, I felt as though someone had cut me loose from a two ton tracker trailer, that I had been pulling up a steep hill, for a very, very long time. When I cut him lose, I lost 260lbs.  He weighed about 200lbs, and the rest came from me.  I literally think I lost 60lbs in two or three months tops.  I had been trying to loose that weight and keep it off, for most of my life. Mostly by torturing myself with unrealistic diets, boot-camp workouts, secretly calling myself degrading fat names and posting pictures of  pigs and women in bikinis on my refrigerator.  But who ever would have guessed that all I had to do is love myself and treat myself well, and the weight just fell off and I've managed to keep it off.  My ex-husband was poison for me in so many ways, being overweight was just one of the manifestations of that fact.  I believe that he was sent to me by the enemy, purely as a form of distraction, to pull me off course from my purpose and destiny. I was so wrapped up in his drama and junk that most of the time that I couldn't focus on much else.  But as Forest Gump would say, "That's all I have to say about that."  We will revisit that whole story in a little more depth later.

The quick fast and dirty version is that over the past few years,  I've made many changes in  my family, friendships platonic and otherwise, addresses, jobs, hair color, clothes sizes,  and even shoe sizes.  But the two constants in my life have been, my God and my writing.  Two relationships that I know I can always count on to be there with me no matter what.  They just have been everyday since I can remember.  They've both been comfort for me through my pain,  my joy when I was happy and my peace when I was anxious. Through all that's happened to me  in the last three years, the good times and the bad, He, God that is, has never left me.  Just as He promises in His word.  So I figured that the least I could do is return the favor.   I figured since God is the one who placed this burning desire to write inside of me,  I decided to honor Him with it.

I've known for many years now that my purpose was tied to writing in some way, shape or form.  I just never in my wildest dreams, would've ever thought that I would be writing anything spiritual.  When God revealed this to me all I could say was, "Ugh God, you sure you've got the right girl?"   I don't think so, not me," I said. Don't get me wrong, I think it's an extraordinary calling for anyone to have on their life. But me? " I don't exactly see myself as anyone's model of morality.  Most times I feel like I'm struggling daily just to maintain my standards and values.   But anyway it seems as though this is the path that He has chosen for me. And also, for some strange reason, He has been  relentlessly leading me to blog.  And I have tried it in the past...well..kinda, sorta...but let's face it, not really. I've posted a few times, but if I'm honest with myself I will admit, that I've probably given it as much dedication as I have all of my other creative projects and endeavors. Which is usually about 1-3 months or until it starts being work and not as much fun or as easy as I thought it would be, whichever came first.  But one of those reasons for that is I'm still not yet so comfortable writing and posting all of my most intimate life experiences, lessons and hard knocks, out there where virtually anyone or in the case of blogging, maybe no one at all can read and scrutinize them.  This blogging thing is just so random, to me it's entirely too abstract. And all of my life I've always had a problem with following through with things that don't make sense to me. But I feel a strong sense, for some reason, that God wants me to do this...no I mean really do this. Like give it my best effort and stick to it. So I'm committed to posting at least one blog a week, for the next six months.  I was semi inspired by that whole Julie/Julia movie. But lets not get crazy here, I need to start small.  There's no way I'm gonna write and publish a blog everyday for a year.  I would just be setting myself up to fail on that one.  But I believe that I've given myself a short term goal that I can live with.

 And as far as writing about my life and blogging it out into oblivion goes, I've decided to look at it, like I look at faith.  It's kind of like skydiving. It can be scary or exhilarating, and why in the world would anyone want to jump out of a plane for fun, it doesn't make sense. Sometimes you feel stupid, and everyone around you, thinks that you've lost your mind.  Because most of the times, the things we do when we are walking by faith, just don't make sense. You can't always see what direction it will take you in, or where your going to land. But if you allow yourself to just trust, rely and depend on the source of your faith;  the God of your understanding, whomever that might be for you.  You know that in the long run, you will wind up better off than you were before. So I've decided to just go with it, to see where it takes me. And now that I'm open to embarking on this journey again,  I'm hoping that I'll have a few passengers join me along for the ride.